Royal Flirt
by queenshinkokami
Summary: A glimpse of Shinko's evil side. What being queen and having unruly children does to your humour. Sorry, I stuffed up when editing the chapters and now they've updated themselves. Don't let that deter you if you haven't read it before though...
1. The Royal Flirt

I hope you like it. please reveiw-I need all the help I can get!

Royal Flirt

Shinko marched up towards her youngest son kissing his latest court beauty passionately while fiddling with his chamber door. She stopped a metre away from the engrossed couple with her arms folded and her best what-are-you-doing-now look in place. She knew Dylan had seen her and had totally ignored her, but up until this point his lover hadn't. Coming up for air she found she was looking into the formidable face of her queen.

Dylan, knowing what was making her hesitate, turned to his mother and said "What can I do for you Mama?" in his most dry and sarcastic drawl.

"Oh by all means continue don't let me distract you. I'm just enjoying the view."

"What do you want Mama?" asked Dylan, far more directly this time.

"Now you mention it I do have a few messages for you," she said acting although she'd only just remembered "Lady Adora asks whether she's to meet you in her chambers or yours tonight. Lady Annabel is asking why you weren't at her chambers 30 minutes ago like you organized last Saturday naght. And Lady Alexis wants to know whether you preferred the blue or pink silken nighty that she demonstrated for you on Tuesday _night_. It looks like your double booked --or perhaps quadruple booked is a more appropriate term my busy busy boy. Well do have fun you two, won't you," At this she turned and headed down the corridor thanking Yama for her ability to keep a straight face.

It wasn't true of course--it was, however, entirely plausible. Dylan was like that--moving from one court beauty to another. Shinko praised herself on her quick thinking and her ability to make anything she said sound completely innocent. She was barely forty steps down the corridor when she heard the resounding slap placed in her much deserving sons cheek. She giggled to herself and was still giggling when she got to her shared chambers with her husband. Roald gave her an odd look and decided not to ask.

* * *

Just so you no Shinko's not evil-Dylan does actually deserve what she did to him.

Yama is the yamani patron goddess


	2. A Common Adversary

**Please review**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this!**

Your eyes are like shining waxed apples,

Your Lips are the colour of cherries,

Your hair is like kiwi fruit,

Your skin like peaches,

But my favourite part is your breasts like mangoes.

Okay, so it wasn't up to his usual standards but this girl was so desperate that she would like anything that she could tell her friends was poetry.

After his mother's little scene the other night he had lost _all_ four of his present lovers and now had to settle for a recently introduced desperate gossip. The girl his mother had caught him with had approached the other four his mother--quite accurately--named as his lovers so that all of them knew his game. The four girls in question would come crawling back to him eventually but it was still most inconvenient. He wanted revenge and he knew just who could help him.

His sister Mia would be glad to help embarrass their mother.

* * *

Shinko strode imperiously towards a kissing couple fiddling with the lock on her second daughter's chamber door—she felt like she'd done this sometime before. As she got closer she made out the far from handsome features of the Lord of Soulsbury. 

Shinko stood behind them, eyebrows raised, eyes threatening to roll back into her head, her best you-could-so-so-much-better-than-that look at Mia and her most formidable she's-half-your-age _and_ what-are-you-going-to-tell-your-wife looks to her daughter's snuggle-buddy.

Mia knew she was there and was quite content with ignoring her but her aforementioned snuggle-buddy was still in the dark as to his queen's presence.

This particular door was especially vexing and even more so when one has their eyes closed and is otherwise occupied with _other_ things. Presently, the Lord had decided it was past time that he and his young mistress were getting down to _business--_no doubt chess or some such, so he pulled away so as to see the lock better only to look full into the formidable face of his queen.

As recognition dawned on him his eyes widened and he turned on heel and ran.

"Mama why do you always have to scare away by boyfriends." After this statement Shinko did something very unladylike—she _actually _snorted.

"Mia you know full well that he is not your 'boyfriend'. He is married and I'm sure you fully intend to drop him as soon as abetter offer comes along," Shinko said reproachfully.

"Well we can't let his wife have all the fun can we-." Shinko cut her off before she heard far more than she needed to.

"For Mithros sake Mia he wasn't handsome and he didn't have big muscles—in fact he was downright ugly!" Shinko said, frustration making her voice uneven.

"It's not the _muscles_ that need to be big, Ma. _If _you take my meaning." Shinko decided not to honour that comment with a reply.

"But why the married ones, why not the young, handsome, _single_ men at court. There is plenty of them that would have you." And indeed there was. Mia was the by far the most beautiful woman at court. She had every man wrapped around her little finger—and a lot of very jealous bitching convent girls on her tail.

"I find the married men are…more experienced," Mia said appearing to search for the words.

Shinko couldn't help it; she rolled her eyes looking to the Gods for patients and a replacement daughter—a feat she found herself performing often when in conversation with Mia.

"You are unbelievable." Shinko told her exasperatedly. This was so typical Mia.

Mia snickered, "Funny, that's what all of the Men tell me—only it's a little bit more breathless--after-."

Shinko cut her off wanting to throw up, knowing that was her daughter's intention, "Oh please, I really do not need to know."

With that Shinko walked away, trying to banish disturbing visual pictures from her mind.

Mia had won the fight with her mother but now she had to return to the ball to find another 'snuggle-buddy', and all of the married ones had retired to their rooms with their wives _or_ mistress'. She'd have to train one of the squires—an emergency would not go astray she supposed. It was just very inconvenient it was much easier when they came ready-trained.

* * *

"I'll help," Mia said, a beautiful smirk on her face. That squire just wasn't the _same._

"I can't wait," Dylan said in his deep voice, a smirk crossing his handsome face.


	3. Missing Debutantes

Shinko was heading to Dylan's chambers apprehensive—no dreading, what she might find there. She was prepared to throw up and had all her witty and innocent lines at the ready.

Last night was the first of the Midwinter balls, and both Dylan and Mia had a habit of taking a…friend—or two, back to their chambers for some after party…activities.

Shinko had managed to avoid going within forty feet of her sons chambers for three years, but fate had other ideas. The last time she had gone near the rooms she had been had scarred for life. No mother wants to walk in and see their son doing…well _that_.

But alas this morning she was given no choice but to enter her son's rooms—the night after a Midwinter ball no-less. This morning she had been rudely awoken by a messenger that she had seen Mia with the night before. The Runner was a little below her usual standards—he wasn't married—but Mia really wasn't fussy.

The Runner had told her that the people in the rooms neighbouring Dylan's had all complained of hearing a wild animal in there last night, _and_ because it was part of the _Royal _menagerie only the King or Queen could have it removed and sent back. It just so happened that Roald had left early that morning for a meeting with Myles of Olau about some spy details from an anonymous source within the palace—something about four debutantes that never returned from the ball last night.

Shinko agreed only because she didn't want to publicly embarrass her family when it got around just _who_ that wild animal was. She also had a sneaking suspicion that she knew where _at least_ one—perhaps two—of those missing debutantes was.

She didn't bother knocking, she just strode in, eyes on the floor so as not to see the proof of her sons misdeeds. It was a very good tactic—however, as good as the tactic was…it failed. The ground was littered with little lacy underclothes, corsets, breaches… far more than was needed for two people...or even three.

Shinko had no choice but to look up. Sure enough, there sat Dylan, an arm around each of the pretty court ladies sitting on either side of him. Shinko rather fancied that she saw a third moving lump underneath the covers in the middle of the bed. Dylan moved a leg and the lump jiggled and emitted a high giggling sound. These ladies had obviously not been in Tortall long enough to know just who had caught them, normally Dylan's, for lack of a better word, suitors, ran at the sight of his mother.

"Dylan where are your manners? Are you not going to introduce me to these lovely ladies" Shinko said steadily, plastering on a pleasant smile.

Dylan looked stricken for a moment and then brightened before saying, "Ma, meet Candy-floss, Baby, Giggle-."At this point a blonde stuck her heard up from underneath the cover, "and where is Kitten?" Dylan stuck his head under the cover and a few moments later came back up with a beautiful brunette sitting on his lap. "Oh, and Ma, its okay if you call me Tiger, everyone else in here does," he added.

There was only one mature thing to do here—pretend she was okay with it, edge away and throw up once she was outside.

"I'm pleased to meet you girls." With that she curtseyed and left the room.

She had many witty remarks that jumped into her head, including asking Dylan their real names—she doubted he knew the answer to that, but that would have included opening her mouth and she feared if she did, she'd throw up. So instead she began to prepare her revenge.

As Shinko emptied her stomach on the rose bushes outside Mia's window, Dylan and Mia sat plotting the next stage of their plot.


	4. Small DogsLarge rats

**Important: **

I know it's been a while...okay, a long while but I have many excuses which are numerous in quantity and tedious in quality. Anyway I would like to point out that I wrote this chapter about four months ago when I should have updated but due to unforeseen circumstances the bloody thing went mysteriously missing. I was so angry that I, quite frankly, could not be bothered re-writing the chapter. Any way a funny thing happened the other day—well funny from my dad's point-of-view, decidedly mortifying on my part. I made an of-hand comment about my friends little dog, which happens to be a particularly annoying specimen, to my dad. Anyway it turns out that that missing document had not gone missing at all and was in fact hidden in my dad's folders under a different name. He had had quite a little laugh over it and after four months I was not quite sure as to the contents of the document and was more than a little worried. If you remember what the rest of this story was about (after four months I won't blame you if you don't) you might understand my apprehension at him seeing the story. Anyway to end my own little novel-worthy author's note I might just add that I think my dad is no-longer in such denial as to just how much his little girl knows. Oh an sorry to anyone who likes little dogs.

* * *

I apologise in advance to any offence caused by any remarks about small dogs—they are all for the worthy cause of writing.

Disclaimer: I really can't be bothered and I think its safe to assume that you can all tell the difference between my shoddy and four months late work and Tammy's year late work (Is anyone else annoyed about that? A car crash is a better excuse than mine though).

* * *

"Shinko—Shinko—." Yukumi said impatiently tapping Shinko on the shoulder, readjusting the dog on her lap to reach, "Look how cute she is. Watch this--." At this pointYuki made a ridiculous choking sound that Shinko supposed was meant to sound like one of those ludicrous, annoying, ratty, ridiculous little dogs. The dog began shivering scaredy and jumped from Yuki's lap and onto that of the person sitting next to her—which just happened to be that of Shinko. 

"Isn't she beautiful?" Shinko plastered a smile onto her face and nodded giggling a little for effect. In truth, she hated the little dogs that the court ladies had taken to carrying around—personally she found disease carrying rats to be a more attractive pet. Even Yuki had taken carried one everywhere and felt the need to point out every little, ridiculous thing it did.

"Watch this, it is _the most_ gorgeous thing" Yuki said beginning to make more ridiculous, strangled noises to the _thing_ sitting on _Shinko's_ lap.

Once again the stupid rat began shivering with fright. For a split-second Shinko even felt sorry for it—either Yuki found its terrified shivering funny or she genuinely thought it was quivering with delight—_for a second._ It was but a fleeting feeling of pity for the petrified dog, a millisecond of sympathy for the upstart hound. About a nanosecond after the thought entered her mind, however, the stupid mongrel peed on her.

Yuki took it off her lap, put it on the floor, and began scolding it in a silly high voice paying no notice to her wet best friend.

From the other side of the room Mia saw Shinko's foot twitch as the dog was put on the ground and, knowing her mother's sentiments on all small dogs, suspected she was _just_ restraining herself from kicking the dog across the room. This little show was funny enough that Mia managed to sit though the rest of morning tea with the twittering court ladies, just in the hope of a repeat. Even if the morning had been otherwise uneventful it _had_ given her an idea.

That night while… _dancing_ with the _married_ Tyran ambassador Mia casually suggested that Queen Shinkokami would appreciate a peace offering of a small, yappy and incontinent (AN: look it up) lap dog instead of the customary jewels.

Shinko stood impatiently waiting for the Tyran ambassador to finish his ridiculously long and boring speech and get the gift-giving over. She looked around to her ladies assembled behind her, many with an ugly dog running around their feet. Yuki's had donned a pink tutu in the time since she had last seen it, it sat in a very ungraceful position chewing the straps and skirt tho remove it. Once again Shinko _almost_ felt sorry for the demeaned dog, until she came to her senses and remember the last time she had _almost_ felt sorry for it.

The ambassador paused in his speech and motioned to his side. Two servants approached carrying something caged.

"To you fair Shinkokami; King François presents a gift signifying our desire for ongoing peace and prosperity between our two countries," he said as the servants handed the rattling cage to Shinko.

* * *

Shinko came up with a plan. The Tyrans would be leaving tomorrow until which time she would feign delight in the silly dog, once they had safely boarded the boat the dog might accidentally disappear—perhaps finding itself in the middle of the Gallan mountains where it would find itself taken in by a generous family of squirrels. She came up with her genius plan all while she was asleep (would you believe?). However, she was soon woken from that sleep with the arrival of her new pet who had evidently decided that on top of her mistress would be a comfy place sleep. She climbed onto a cushion and then onto a draw which led onto Shinko's prized kimono and onto her green silk ball gown for the following day's ball, digging it's paws into the precious material to claw it's way up. Finally it arrived at the bed where it sat on top of Roald's arm which was lying across Shinko's stomach. With the sudden increase of weight he moved his hand subconsciously away leaving the rat sitting on her stomach.

She woke soon to look into the eyes of the ugly dog. While sitting there contemplating how best to rid herself of the dog she actually took it in for the first time and realised…that it really was the most ugly thing she had ever been unfortunate enough to lay eyes on. Hairless and complete with popping eyes and ears the size of the rest of its body put together. Shinko once again felt sorry for the little creature, she pitied just how ugly and brainless it was and thanked the gods that every time she looked into the mirror (which was often—see she is Mia's mother) she didn't have something like that look back at her. She felt so much pity for the ugly, brainless-stupid mutt that, instead of kicking it, like she had planned, she picked it up and placed it gently on the ground. As she stepped back into bed she turned her head slightly and saw out of the corner of her eye her favourite lily printed kimono and mint green ball gown. They were ruined, littered with holes from it's claws and even ripped, but that wasn't the worst of it—the Tyrans really had managed to chose the most incontinent dog alive.

Needless to say, she was furious, livid, fuming, enraged, irate—murderous (synonyms really are a wonderful thing). But, instead of allowing herself to loose face in court by murdering the stupid mutt. She calmly picked up her glaive and started to shoo the thing out closing the door on it as it left the room.

But that was not enough. It soon began to whine and scratch the door at which point Shinko came up with a desperate—but evil plan that would kill two birds with one stone.

She hurried up the corridor in just her nightgown holding the annoying hound. Quietly she unlocked Mia's door bypassing her magical charms to deter intruders which Shinko herself had put there.

Shinko crept up to Mia's dresser (passing Mia and, she suspected, the earl of Butress) on which her gowns for tomorrow's festivities were placed waiting to be donned. She sat the dog on top of an emerald green gown (sound familiar) and left the room willing the dog to do its worst.

Not only had Shinko successfully rid herself of the dog for the night, but she had also managed to punish Mia for her part in Dylan's Debutante plot and inadvertently for the suggestion of giving her the dog in the first place. Shinko was happy to the point of giggles despite the loss her two most precious dresses.

* * *

Shinko's ladies stood in the great hall, each holding a little dog and preparing to leave for a walk of which you apparently required a small dog to warrant invitation.

"Are you coming?" Yuki asked.

"No, I would love to but unfortunately Mia has my dog and goddess only knows what she's doing with it." Shinko said quite truthfully. Yuki scrunched up her face suspiciously and prepared to leave.

As the ladies opened the doors to exit Shinko's _favourite _daughter and beloved husband approached with a less than welcome passenger.

"Now you can come Shinko. Would you like to come also Mia?" Yuki told Shinko as Mia handed over the dog. Mia was glad for the invitation but it was largely unrequired for she had planned to follow anyway.

"I'm afraid Mia will have to go in my stead for Roald and I are both to be in attendance of an important meeting this morning, _aren't we Roald_" Shinko said inventing the meeting out of nowhere, glaring at him over Yuki's shoulder to get the point across.

He did not do what a good husband would do and just agree, nor did he—thankfully—do what a bad husband would and deny the meeting altogether; instead he said politely, with a gentle kiss and a scheming smirk (she now knew where Dylan had got that from), "Its quite alright Shinko the meeting is not vital I can handle it myself, besides you have been working far too hard lately." Shinko glared, he might find himself sleeping on the couch tonight—_if_ it wasn't too cold.

So without further ado they set of for their walk, Roald waving at the door like a wife seeing her man off to war, and at that moment Shinko felt like a doomed soldier (her children had inherited their over dramatic tendencies from their mother).

However, Shinko's worry was all in vain for indeed barely two minutes into the walk her torture came to an abrupt end.

"Oh isn't she just the most beautiful thing," Mia said in a baby voice gesturing to the mutt in Shinko's arms—well not really in her arms because Shinko had mad a point to let the smelly little creature touch as little of her skin as possible, and was as such holding it by the skin of it's neck with two fingers (it was only about the size of her hand). Mia didn't like the dog any more than her mother, especially after it had ruined her two new ball gowns, however her constant commentary irritated her mother immensely and her secondary purpose in life was to annoy her mother to no end, her first being to sleep with every married man in the court.

"If you like it so much you carry it," hissed Shinko, thrusting it into Mia's arms.

Mia took advantage of the situation and decided to play the dog for maximum irritation. She lifted it above her head under the armpits and began to baby talk to it; she bought it down towards her nose and began to kiss it. Shinko couldn't believe it, even Mia's standards have got to be higher than a dog, but then she thought of some of the hideous married men Mia had been with. They were probably comparable to dogs Thinking of this made her realise that those lips had been to far worse places than this dog—a train of thought she wanted to end there, her imagination was getting carried away.

In the time it had taken Shinko to think of this the dog had evidently grown tired of Mia's childish antics. As she lowered it to her face it struck. Time seemed to go in slow motion. All the ladies gathered around in a circle and collectively gasped. Shinko on the other hand laughed. She suddenly loved this dog.

The dog had latched onto Mia's nose sinking its teeth in. Shinko turned around and saw some of the younger ladies smiling, evidently hoping she would have a scar form it and that all her suitors would turn to them.

Shinko suddenly realised she could use this to her advantage. Fortunately everyone had been too shocked to here Shinko's malevolent laughter so her next move did not come as a surprise.

The very picture of a distressed mother, she pushed past her ladies and cradled her little girl in her arms. Mia wasn't even crying, she merely had a murderous look on her face and a slight bit of blood around her nose.

"For Mithros sake cry Mia, the Tyrans are walking this way," Shinko hissed. Mia, knowing that when she cried she looked unbelievably gorgeous, promptly burst into tears. As soon as she did Shinko screamed out, in what she believed sounded like a superior-queen tone of voice, "Get them away from my baby, I want to see no more of those _vicious hounds_ in the presence of my family or myself," and began to lead her daughter back to the castle.


End file.
